Guilty As Charged

I do not like myself a lot most of the time and today is no exception...in fact I dislike myself more today. I used people's weakness and their gossips to my advantage.

I do not feel good at all and I ask and seek for God's forgiveness.

A big part of me knew it is not right to gossip about others, however once I start I seem to have difficulty stopping myself from keeping my mouth shut.

Why do I have to do that I wonder most of the time. Is it because I wanted to "fit in" or simply to avoid getting in touch of my pain?

I am desperate to find a new life for myself and I live in fear. I fear that people don't accept who I am and I fear of getting in touch of my feelings. I fear of pissing people off but I seem to do that very well.

I do have conscience and I do reflect but I also made wrong choices. I am not proud of myself and I fear that people will shun me because of my character.

I don't want to live in fear nor do I want to take advantage of people's shortcoming. I want to love myself and be able to face myself without feeling guilty.

My Dear and Beloved G please help me to be trueful to myself and talk only when necessary. I dislike feeling guilty most of the time. I dislike not loving myself enough. I dislike having to gossip about others to make myself feel good about myself. And I am tired of having to worry about whether people like or dislike me.

On the whole I am tired of living.