Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Trapped In My Own World?

I had a wonderful time with my new friends last night.

However each time I enjoyed myself I feel bad later. I am concern if I have gone overboard or have I misbehaved or said something I shouldn't have.

I am very grateful to G for giving me another opportunity to understand myself and finding my path again. Perhaps the issue is not about whether I am walking my path, instead is to at least try to find my way?

I must rememeber that I am who I am and I can't possibly worry about how others think of me all the time. It is important to reflect ourselves but have I overdone it?
Dear G can You give me strenghth and wisdom to overcome my fear....fear of being myself. I thank You for all the love You sent to me and I believe there are more love You are sending my way. I am very grateful to You, thank You.
I pray for a miracle that I want most in my life now. You have given lots of miracles to me and I really appreciate Your kindness. I love You.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Dying Is Easy It Is Living That Scares Me

I wish I am dead.

Killing myself is not an option because it is irresponsible.....but I want to die. Dying is easy, it is living that scares me.

I have nothing to look forward to. I find no purpose in my life and my job is meaningless.

I am envious and admire those who enjoy their lives. Maybe they too find their lives lack colour but they move on and they learn to live.

Why can't I be more like them? Why can't I see beauty in this world? And why do I allow negativity to move slowly within me?

I am tired of living, breathing and being alone. I want to die.

Someone, whoever out there, please kill me!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Learning How To Live

I want to forget the sad part of my life but when someone around me is sad I will remember my past. Is it good to remember or ignore my sadness?

Thinking about my past makes me sad however I feel the need to re-visit my past so that I am not in denial. If I do that am I not letting go? Am I holding too tight of something I shouldn't have? Or do I enjoy feeling sad?

I question myself all the time about this issue. I don't hate my life but I do dislike my life.

I am living because I am alive not because I enjoyed it. I have nothing to look forward to most days and I am just glad that I pull through each day. I feel tired feeling sad and remembering my past, on the other hand I seem to enjoy thinking about my past...or am I not?

Learning to see things with different perspectives confuse me. I often complicate my analysis when I try to see things from different angles. Why can't I make it simple? Why can't I think simple, live simple and expect nothing?

Fortunately and unfortunately I am who I am.

Perhaps learning to see things with love is the key. I guess I do not do that often...or not at all?

I am feeling sad, lonely and very alone these days.

How can I get out of this misery? When can I get out of this misery?

What I have learned recently from someone is that it all depends on how we see time. Time may seem long if we wanted it to be or we think and feel it is indeed forever. So, if I think my life is meaningless it becomes meaningless? And if I think and feel my life is great I shall feel wonderful? Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

How can I feel my life is wonderful when I feel lonely all the time? I could perhaps learn to enjoy my life more I suppose.....

I am still learning how to live.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Guilty As Charged

I do not like myself a lot most of the time and today is no fact I dislike myself more today. I used people's weakness and their gossips to my advantage.

I do not feel good at all and I ask and seek for God's forgiveness.

A big part of me knew it is not right to gossip about others, however once I start I seem to have difficulty stopping myself from keeping my mouth shut.

Why do I have to do that I wonder most of the time. Is it because I wanted to "fit in" or simply to avoid getting in touch of my pain?

I am desperate to find a new life for myself and I live in fear. I fear that people don't accept who I am and I fear of getting in touch of my feelings. I fear of pissing people off but I seem to do that very well.

I do have conscience and I do reflect but I also made wrong choices. I am not proud of myself and I fear that people will shun me because of my character.

I don't want to live in fear nor do I want to take advantage of people's shortcoming. I want to love myself and be able to face myself without feeling guilty.

My Dear and Beloved G please help me to be trueful to myself and talk only when necessary. I dislike feeling guilty most of the time. I dislike not loving myself enough. I dislike having to gossip about others to make myself feel good about myself. And I am tired of having to worry about whether people like or dislike me.

On the whole I am tired of living.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Wonder woman

I am a wonder woman. One who wonders a lot, question loads and reflect heaps. In spite of this, how much did I comprehend with my queries I have yet to find out.

Few books that I have read suggested that in order to find the truth, what we want or to understand our behaviour, all we need to do is to search within. What is going within? How many people really practice to quiet one’s mind and communicate with ourselves? Is talking to ourselves regard as going within?

What kind of answer shall we anticipate from this question? I suppose it depends on how we look at it. Why is it not effortless to go within when it could be? The complexity comes from our mind. We seem to stop “wanting” to see the diamond within us that could shine or we have forgotten that we are capable of polishing the precious rock within us.

So how do we polish this precious rock? Of course we do not clean it literally which I personally prefer because it seems straightforward and trouble-free. However we know that this cleansing requires more effort than we would like.

Many badly informed people assume that meditation could cause damaging effect like insanity to individuals as opposed to a path to searching the light within us and the benefits we may possibly gain from meditation.

Aren’t having more thoughts, particularly negatives, could result more destructive and unfavourable effect instead?

I suppose we don’t need to meditate to go within. In one of Rosemary Altea’s books – Proud Spirit – her guide, Grey Eagle, says that if we could look at ourselves each day beyond our wrinkles, our skin conditions, lines and imperfection; with love and gentleness to ourselves we will find ourselves, our soul and we will find peace.

It seems that by truly looking within ourselves we become conscious of our behaviour and deeds. On top of that we will also find the root cause and its name is….fear.

Fear handicaps us. Not because it happens nor it is meant to be. I believe it is because we allow it to paralyse us; we encourage it to corrupt and distort us further mentally and emotionally.

If we could manipulate ourselves to soak up the unwanted anxiety and fear we do not need, I am sure we can apply a more positive attitude to look within ourselves to find the light we each have inside us.

[1] Rosemary Altea, Proud Spirit, Eagle Brook, New York, 1997, p.217
[2] abid, p.225

Optical illusion

Am what I see here and now real or simply an optical illusion? Are we really separated between the earth and the spirit world? Or are we too caught up with our material world that we couldn’t see what are meant to be?

I got up almost every morning wondering if I am still dreaming or finally “awakened” from my sleep.

So, are my dreams an optical illusion or my daily activities appear to be a delusion instead?

These questions will remain unanswered….or is it my responsibility and mission to discover the mystery?

As the incredible hawk soar high and mighty in the sky it contemplates how many would reflect on the fine line between the two worlds that is worth examining.

Monday, December 17, 2007